Let’s get honest.

Let’s get real and honest. I’m not going to sit and pretend the past 3 weeks have been easy because for the first time in a long time they haven’t been. I spent nearly a week in bed feeling numb and isolated and it literally came out of nowhere! I can’t pretend that ‘I don’t know why I felt like this’ because there are a few reasons and some of which I don’t feel comfortable going into right now but one things for sure, it was shit. I slipped into a state of depression that led me to abandoning my personal care, ignoring family and friends and left me with the biggest puffiest bags under my eyes. This also resulted in me losing my appetite (which also led to my eating disorder thoughts creeping back in… see how things can easily spiral?).

I felt completely powerless and confused because ‘how can I be so depressed when there’s so many positive things happening in my life right now’… well that’s the shit thing about depression, you can have the world at your feet and still feel broken. Sucks huh! I’m lucky that this episode of depression didn’t last for more than a week because quite frankly it was exhausting! With that being said, and a lot of encouragement from good friends I managed to drag myself out of bed and start to make small but effective changes. It was a slow process but I reassured myself that even if I took 100 baby steps to get to my end goal (which was to basically to function like a 'normal' human again) then at least I got there. No matter how long it took.
Since then I’ve made a conscious effort to surrounded myself with positive people and situations and although that doesn’t solve all my problems, it is definitely refreshing. Despite that crappy week I do have many exciting things happening in my life right now including new job opportunities and little things here and there to help me better myself and my outlook on the future. So despite feeling lost for a while I feel like I'm being guided back to a good place. One of many important lessons I have learnt in the past year is that having self-belief and compassion towards yourself is the most precious thing you can reward yourself with… Trust me!
I want to end this post by saying that, it IS ok to not be ok and I’m not here to judge how you deal with the situations life throws at you. What I am here to tell you though is that things DO get better and sometimes, although it’s hard to admit, perseverance in recovery is key.

The books that saved my life.

In honour of mental health awareness week, I could sit here and write a long blog post about my opinions on mental health and all the facts concerning the stigma, however that has all been done before and I’m sure you’ve read them a thousand times. Instead I want this post to be dedicated to a few of my favourite self-help / inspirational books that I always reach for to get me through some of the difficult times I experience on my own mental health journey. I also hope this post will inspire you to pick up these books yourself and enjoy them as much as I do! (unless you have read them already of course).

1) Reasons to stay alive – Matt Haig

For me this book changed my life and it holds a special place in my heart. I brought this book back when I was a patient in my first mental health hospital and it was the first ‘self-help’ book I had ever picked up. I was drawn instantly by the fact Matt was so open about his depression and his thoughts around taking medication and I felt the pain of being in very similar dilemmas, but also whilst reading, I began craving survival.
It’s incredible how reading this book made me feel less alone.
The chapters are short and easy to read, so I felt like even in a dark place I didn’t have to focus too much to get the full effect of what was being said.
I have re-read this book hundreds of times and I always finish the book in complete awe of Matt’s strength and determination!

2) Mad girl – Bryony Gordon

The reason I love this book so much is the way it is written. Bryony’s way of writing about her OCD, bulimia and drug dependency went down a very comical path and even though I spent the majority of this book laughing I still sensed the seriousness and desperation that she experienced in her life. I really appreciate her determination to not give up after what seemed a lack of luck for many years and I can see a lot of myself if her personality and behaviours too. The way she is so open about her struggles with body image makes me feel incredible proud because I know that even just admitting you have a problem in that particular area is incredibly hard due to the pressure these day to look a certain way. Overall this will always be a book I pick up when I’m in need of comfort. I laugh, I cry but mostly I feel like I can get through whatever life throws at me.

3) Beautiful – Katie Piper

Every time I read or hear about this book the word that pops into my head is ‘hope’. The very first time I read this book, I felt so much sadness to read the nightmare Katie had been through and although this isn’t a self-help book as such it has really helped me. Through each chapter you could see how strong she was becoming as an individual and it really helped me understand the process of acceptance to. (Acceptance is blooming hard and it takes lots of practise to master)
One of the most important messages throughout this book is centred around beauty. Katie proved to people that no matter what has happened to you physically or mentally, you ARE beautiful in your own way. Contradictory though, she also highlights that beauty isn’t everything and that health and happiness should always be your number one priority. Overall this book gave me hope that things DO get better.

4) Milk and honey – Rupi Kaur

(I want to put a trigger warning for this little section as it contains themes around sexual assault and other difficult subjects so please don’t read if you think it has potential to make you feel uncomfortable)

This collection of poems are the most raw and passionate poems I’ve read to date and although some of the content is heart-breaking to read, I feel that there would be no other way to express those situations than the way she has done. I connected to this book immensely as it takes you on a journey from hurt, love, breaking to healing and you can really begin to understand what life could be like for someone with such a difficult, diverse life. The poems do cover vulnerable topics such as rape and domestic abuse which can be difficult to digest at times so I would recommend reading it at a steady pace and not all in one go (I’ve learnt that the hard way). Nevertheless I do absolutely love how she captures culture and beauty in the midst of all the heartache and trauma.
The book can bring up lots of unexpected emotions howbeit it’s definitely one of those books to put on your ‘to read list’.  

Of course these books are not going to help everyone or even cure the symptoms you’re going through but if you can see that these people have gone through traumatic shit and survived then you can too. I know that unfortunately mental health isn’t simple or easy to understand and one blog post isn’t going to solve everything but always know that you’re not alone and things, no matter how bad they my seem at the time, DO get better.

I want to leave you with this…
NEVER be silent because we were all given a voice for a reason!

BPD awareness month.

May is Borderline personality disorder awareness month and in my opinion, BPD is a mental illness that is hardly talked about considering how many people are effected by it. BPD also known as 'Emotionally unstable personality disorder' is a mental illness "characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behaviour and people diagnosed" - MedicineNet

This definition is quite broad considering everyone with this diagnosis can present in very different ways and for someone to get a diagnosis of BPD they have to be presenting with 5 out of the 9 different symptoms/behaviours in the diagnostic criteria.

Being diagnosed with BPD is NOTHING to be ashamed of and I just want to reassure you that you are not alone. There is a great number of people with this diagnosis and there is a lot of support you can get also.

One of the difficulties with BPD that you may face is that it can be complicated to understand fully, whether that’s trying to understand yourself or trying to understand others that are going through it.

Even though in the media there can be negative stereotypes against people with this illness I have compiled a list of positives from my own experience and from talking to other that have BPD. This will hopefully show there are positive aspects of living with BPD and it’s not all doom and gloom.

We are;
- Understanding of people in similar situations
- Empathetic
- Creative
- Passionate
These are just to name a few…

Of course the positives I have mentioned don’t just apply to BPD however I personally feel that they are not talked about enough in relation to this particular diagnosis.

So to end the blog post here, if you know someone that has BPD talk with them about it! You don’t necessarily need to talk about all their deep and personal problems but just talking to them like a human, not as if they are only BPD and nothing else. Be patient, don’t judge them and be consistent and you will see a huge difference. If we don’t talk and hide behind the stereotypes, it is never going to get easier.

If you have BPD remember… Have courage and always keep fighting.So if you have BPD or know someone that does, help fight the stigma by talking about it (especially this month). Talk about the positives, talk about how you can support someone with it and basically just TALK TALK TALK!

I allowed myself time to heal.

In this first picture it was April 2016, I was 18 years old and I was in my first ‘adult’ mental health hospital. This first picture captures my whole admission. Lost, misunderstood and scared. I was under weight for my height as I stopped eating and drinking which resulted in my physical health deteriorating as well as my mental health. In this admission I was self harming daily in various ways. I was finding any object I could to cut with, I was banging my head against walls and corner of wardrobes, I was tying ligatures in hopes I would pass out and not wake up and wanting to end my own life was a daily battle. I felt so misunderstood and out of control and, the last thing I wanted for myself was to be like this. I kept thinking to myself, ‘I have a family, future and goals to achieve’ but in those moments It honestly felt like I had no way out which led me to believing that I was never going to recover. I thought that was the way I was going to be for the rest of my life.

I was then transferred to a specialist Personality Disorder ward after that hospital realized that they couldn’t provide the care I needed anymore because I was too ‘complex’. I don’t like to use the word complex much but, in their words, I guess at the time that is what I was. This new hospital was where I received the appropriate treatment and care that I needed for my diagnosis of EUPD. I had group DBT therapy twice a week and an individual therapy session once a week and I’m not going to sugar coat, it was difficult and sometimes I thought I’d never get to the end of it! Having such an understanding/hard working therapist and the incredible MDT on my ward I did managed to get my life back!

2 years on and after A LOT of hard work (and a good selfie), I am living my life to the fullest, grabbing opportunities with both hands and I am for the first time since 2016 (if not longer) truly happy. I was discharged from hospital on the 27^th February 2018 and I still wake up grateful everyday that those many suicide attempts didn’t work and that I was saved.

Just before I turned 18, I never imagined having a future or a life however in 2 weeks time I will be celebrating my 21^st Birthday and it overwhelms me with pride that I have made it. I now also have a part time job which has been a huge positive factor for my recovery, I have been accepted into college for September to begin my access course in social sciences (in the hopes to be accepted into University next year to start my Occupational Therapy degree).
Most importantly I am surrounded by amazing family and friends that have been by my side since day 1 and I am forever thankful for them.

I’ve finally got SO much positivity in my life and I know it’s because I decided that ending my life back then and giving up was NOT an option.

I just want people to know that if you suffer with mental health issues or you’re right at the beginning of your recovery that things do get better. No matter how cliché that might sound. If you allow yourself time to heal it WILL happen and you will flourish and achieve all of things you want to in life.

I want to end on this note…
Take care of yourself.
It’s the most important thing you can do!